Smiles and sweets

I have had people congratulate me this year. Lots of comments about how great things are and throughout it all I have smiled. I have given the socially acceptable thank yous and above all else I have maintained an outwardly positive can do manner to everything which has come my way.

However since term has ended I have started to wonder if my approach is unhelpful to those who think that school leadership is not doable for them. Lots of people have queried how I manage to keep so positive and that they don’t have the same mental strength that I have shown.

I hope this small glimpse into the most challenging year of my teaching career will show a simple tip anyone can use when the going gets tough. I have had to dig deep into my reserves to make it to the end of 2019. In fact I have had to go to the memories of the worst time in my life to remind myself how I could survive. I recently became a substantive headteacher and spent the 5 hour drive home in tears. I just wanted to call my mum and hear her say well done. As my mum died unexpectedly when I was in year 7, I was never going to hear the well done phrase on a career highlight.

I’m not expecting any condolences about my blog but want to point out some skills I learnt in year 7, which have been used lots by me as Acting Headteacher and in my substantive post. Sweets and smiles are the key for me to get through anything. Mindfulness wasn’t a thing I had heard of when I was in year 7 but sweets and smiles actually started me on the journey of noticing/ connecting with my emotions.

As a headteacher I have noticed that there is an expectation to be able to micro-manage emotional changes at break neck speed every day. Consoling, encouraging, celebrating and being the adult brain in all settings. So what do sweets and smiles have to do with being a resilient leader? On the morning of my mum’s funeral I remember (memory from a traumatic time may not be how the conversation actually happened) wondering how I could get through the day. In the car I started to do the whole hiccuping hiding tears thing. My dad gave me a packet of sweets, most unusual when I was growing up! The instructions were if I felt I couldn’t do the service, listening to people talk about my mum and trying not to look at the coffin - I was to suck on the sweet and pay attention to the taste etc. Now I understand the science behind this mindful eating technique of being in the moment. Instead of getting swept away on the emotional train that day I slowly connected and grounded my thinking by eating a sweet.

As a school leader in 2019 I have had to give myself a good talking to when situations have felt beyond my capacity to deal with everything. As a headteacher I have felt all eyes on me expectantly. On several occasions I have driven home telling myself that this was the most challenging time in my career and asking myself if I was going to be able to do what was being asked of me. I then remembered that funeral day and was able to self coach myself with the mantra of you survived that aged 12. As an adult you can use the same techniques.

The smile? After a week off school in year 7 I dreaded going back. We were doing families in French class and I didn’t want friends or teachers asking me if I was ok, or being kind as that brought tears. What is it with people asking if you are ok that makes tears form? I was given a script. Smile and say you are fine. Again if a 12 year old can do it so could I as an adult, whatever happened this year. The science bit is amazing. By smiling the muscles tell your brain to circulate happy chemicals and you
 start to feel better. Fake happiness until you make it!


So it might have been my annus horribilis but I am not stronger than anyone else. I am not to be congratulated on being so resilient. Resilience for me has been a matter of reflecting and implementing methods I have used in the past. I am sure I will look back on this year the next time I have to dig deep and remind myself of sweets and smiles. So the next time you think you can’t do something hunt out a bag of smiley sweets, notice those emotions and then just get on with the task. As teachers, leaders and parents we need to show that we are not invincible but that we have learnt coping strategies.

So in 2020 whatever lands on your desk, in your pigeon hole or your inbox you have the emotional resilience to survive. Remember also that people you think who have an awesome job, personal life and are full of smiles may be finding things a challenge. Kindness can sometimes be a smile but asking someone if they are ok or how they are may not get the accurate full response. People will protect their emotions until they are strong enough to share their experience. Adaptability, emotional strength and resilience are not innate. Learn from those who seem to exude calm as they have potentially learnt calmness from adverse situations.

Growing up if I ever complained that life was hard work I was reminded that life only gives you what you can cope with. I stick by this. This year has been hard work but with amazing people around me the team have made it doable. My end of term thank you over mince pies ended reminding colleagues that a smile or glance across the corridor has kept many of us going. A positive mindset as a team helps boost those in need.

Maybe next year will be my annus mirabilis.